CONFIDENCE - THE IN'S AND OUT'S

When it comes to dating or being socially successful, people always advise, “Just be confident and you’ll be fine.” But that’s easier said than done. Does anyone really know what confidence is or how to achieve it?

Some say it’s when you don’t care what anyone thinks of you. Some say it’s to be sure of yourself at all times. Although these sayings are true, that’s only part of what being truly confident is.

For the longest time I personally believed being “confident” was another word for “comfortable”.

I displayed confidence by achieving a comfortable state at parties. I would tell myself, “Relax. Be comfortable. Lean back, smile and drink up.” Initially it would work, but it wasn't consistent. Someone would come along and instantly change my entire state. Someone, other than me, would control my emotions and make me feel nervous, awkward, etc. This wasn't true confidence. True confidence is not something you can just turn on and off.

Instead, it's something you wear all the time; when you go to work, go to the club and even when you’re home alone. It’s something you consistently work on and must be earned. Just like going to the gym to get muscles, you must work out your mind to gain a strong/solid self-esteem.

Here are the 4 ways I was able to achieve/maintain true confidence:

     1. Get out and talk to people (Getting out of your comfort zone)

Just get started and remember practice makes perfect. So step out and start to gain a lot of social experience by talking to everyone and anyone. It may feel awkward at first but over time it’ll feel like second nature.

Make sure you smile and maintain good eye contact.

Personally, I like to stare into a girl’s eyes for a longer time; 15-20 seconds until breaking contact.

When speaking to another guy, it's weird to maintain eye contact for that long; usually it's around 5-10 seconds at a time or we just don't look at each other at all. For the most part, us guys like to talk while staring at girls.

(Special note when making eye contact. Make sure you focus on one eye because it’s hard to look at both eyes at the same time.)

2. Stay in and have alone time (The Cast Away Effect)

You’re probably wondering, “Wait a minute, wasn't the first tip to get out of my comfort zone and talk to people? Now you’re telling me to the opposite!”

Life is about balance. I added this rule because I noticed there are a lot of people who aren't comfortable being alone by themselves. Just like Tom Hanks stranded on a deserted island, you should become awesome to a point that inanimate objects want to become your best friend.

Ask yourself if you like yourself. If you do or don't it's all good. Just remember there's always room for improvement. For example, when it comes to fitness, you don't feel confident after you hit your fitness goals. Instead, you instantly feel confident when you realize you're making progress and getting constant results.)

So, take this time to determine if you can make yourself more appealing to yourself. Paint a picture in your mind about the person you want to be. What kind of traits do your future confident self have that you admire?

Personally, I'm working on becoming a more kind, humble, decisive, smart, strong, independent, passionate, responsible and conscious person.

It's important to exactly know who you are, what you want and what you deserve. I remember in my college speech class, the students that spoke with the most confidence were the ones that really knew their topic well. So really take this time to get to know yourself well and everything will fall into place.

3. Monitor your internal chatter.

Always be aware of your emotions and how you talk to yourself. You should only be thinking positive thoughts. For example, If you feel nervous or insecure, ask yourself “Why am I feeling this way?” and “Is this a legitimate reason to feel this way?”

When you catch yourself feeling negative, you can re-frame it to something more positive. You should tell yourself, “I'm not nervous, I'm just excited” because if you think about it, being excited is a lot more positive than being nervous.

You should also pay attention of what you think of others because that will say more about you. If you think that person is ugly that probably means that you're shallow and judgmental. If you think that person is a mean jerk/bitch trying to ruin your world that probably means you failed to recognized what you did to upset them.

Confident people don't waste their time thinking of petty and immature things. So take responsibility of how you think and feel.

Always remember, you control your emotions; not the other way around. 

     4. Monitor your external chatter

Life is all about first impressions and people can easily judge your character even before you say a word. Body language conveys 85-90% of human communication.

Work on good posture and what your body is telling the world. Sit/Stand up straight, shoulders back, chest out, chin up and smile.

If you're used to slouching (like I was), just work on it every day (10-30 minutes at a time) and you will naturally adapt to it. Ironically, when you work on your external chatter you also help enforce good internal chatter.

             
According to scientific research, there’s a strong correlation between posturing and the way we feel. Knowing this helps greatly so you can enforce feelings of confidence along with looking confident.

So further support what I was talking about, here's a Ted Talk video about power poses and how they affect our behavior:

 It's also important be aware of the things you say and how you say it. When you say things trying to impress others it means that you're looking for validation (which is a big no-no). Confident people don't look for validation, they already know that they're good enough.

It's okay to talk about the things that you're proud of if it gives you real value. For example, I like talking about my family and friends because they're all amazing and I'm proud to be associated with them. I also like to talk about my blog because it helps me become a better writer and hopefully inspires others to find happiness, better themselves or just be entertained.

So don't seek validation and instead be the one to give it. You are a person of value and you have a lot to offer.

Another piece of advice just as Yoda would say, "Do or do not, there is no try."
Get rid of words that second guess your actions. For example, "I think", "Maybe", "I might" or "I'll try" are perceived as weak and uncertain.

Instead, replace them with stronger convictions like; "I am certain", "Most definitely" or "I will".

And don't forget to speak up! Speak with a strong and steady voice because what you have to say is important.

(*Bonus Tip) If you want a drastic shift into confidence,  then stay away from people who don't make you feel important. Make your reality so that it constantly reminds you that you are a person of value. These days, I'm surrounded by only positive people who enjoy my presence and appreciate me for who I am. I'm greeted with the best smiles everyday and they let me know my time is never taken for granted. If you can't seem to escape certain people who treat you less than you deserve, just drown out their words with headphones or do your best to ignore them. 

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I'm going to end this post with the time I met Usher. This was the day I saw what confidence really looked liked.

One time, Arvin and I found ourselves in a fancy L.A. hotel after a crazy night of partying. We decided to go downstairs and have brunch while we piece the events of the previous night. When we went down to the lobby, we saw Usher sitting with a friend and their security guard.

Arvin was the first to introduce himself to Usher. Arvin said something really cool in which Usher smiled and allowed us to talk to him.

When it came for my turn, I nervously shook Usher's hand and rambled how great it was to meet him. Usher smiled but I noticed that I killed the meet and greet with my fanatic attitude. (I mean come on, it's not everyday you meet Usher.)

After we left Usher in the lobby, I excitedly said, "I can't believe I got to meet Usher!"

To which Arvin replied, "I can't believe Usher got to meet me!" (<------ confidence)

FIN